Flash Fiction (20) – Cold Night

river, tree

Prompt can be found at Madison Woods’ blog.  Check it out to read her story and others.

Cold Night

It was their second date; he barbecued while she told jokes.  She mentioned staying up until dawn and he agreed.

They sat, fingers entwined, her head resting on his shoulder, the conversation run dry.  It had been such a romantic thought: stay up all night and watch the sunrise.  But the reality of it was much colder than the idea.

And if she was going to be completely honest, he was much colder than he seemed.

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24 thoughts on “Flash Fiction (20) – Cold Night

    • Thanks, this was a tough piece for me. There are a few things I like about it and that transition from warm to cold is one of them. I’m glad you noticed.

  1. For a guy who barbeques, he doesn’t seem too engaging. I, too, like the transition from day to night, warmth to cold, intimacy to brittleness. If you want an honest comment, however, I think I would like the piece better … that is, it might be stronger … if you didn’t repeat the word “colder”. I really like the image of reality being much colder than the idea, so I think that’s the one to keep. Not quite what word (or short phrase) to substitute in the last line, though.

  2. Sometimes those ideas that seem romantic end up being kind of a let down – they work better in fantasy than in reality. I liked how you moved from something intimate to the more distant – and cold – end.

  3. Very nice use of metaphors. Miq. I could feel the main character’s disappointment as a night filled with high hopes fizzles to reality. Ted is right — it bites. Good job!

  4. You have a great straightforward way of writing. “he barbecued while she told jokes” say tons about these people. It’s the little honest things you capture that make this work so well. Nice writing.

  5. Dear Miq,

    That was a great story. The transitions were perfect as is our dismay near the end as we contemplate the snails pace of the coming dawn.

    Welcome back.

    Aloha,

    Doug

  6. I read this as his body was physically turning cold…like he was turning into a zombie. Then I realized that was silly because zombies don’t barbecue.

  7. I guess he is not “the one.” Ah well..and it had seemed all too perfect to start. Hopes dashed…
    PS – When my husband and I were dating we tried to stay up all night to talk, but both conceded defeat at 4am and crashed.

    ~Susan

  8. I thought this was really cool. I was lulled into complacency by the gentle start of the story, and then everything unravels at the end. I feel like this story is very tight, and every single word matters.

  9. The way you told your story even sounds like the progression of how things really are as time winds down late in the evening and early morning hours. There’s that grinding to a halt – which is how it sounds this relationship went once the fuel burned down.

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