Flash Fiction (11) – The Maid

A harder prompt (at least for me)

island vacation

Prompt courtesy of L.S. Engler, go check out what this prompt inspired her to write.

She took shoes off her aching feet and began cooking dinner, knowing that if she  sat down to rest, even for a moment, she wouldn’t have the strength to get up and do what needed to be done.

Her daughter, giggling and cooing, pulled on her skirt.  If she picked her up, she definitely wouldn’t be able to finish dinner before sitting down.  So she sang; she sang about her daughter, making dinner, and how tired she was.  Finally dinner was ready; it wasn’t great, but it was warm and it was the best she could do.  She put her daughter in her chair and gave it to her.

Standing beside her daughter she placed her hand over her pocket, more importantly over the ring in her pocket.  She found it under a chair on the deck in a guest’s room.  It was gold and sparkled with diamonds.  At the end of her shift the manager called her in to his office to ask if she found any jewelry while cleaning that room.  She lied.

Please critique this short story.  When you see something that should be improved please let me know!  Thanks.

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2 thoughts on “Flash Fiction (11) – The Maid

  1. Dear Miq,

    Commenting is so subjective, but I am going to do it because you asked and because trying to descibe what I feel and think when I read a particular passage is an exercise in and of itself. I have zero formal training in english, much less in writing, so it’s an odds on fact that I’m going to make mistakes doing this. I write by sound and flow and try my best not to let the handicap of not knowing a dangling participle from a gerund hold me back. (Might be living in a fool’s paradise here, but, hey, I’ve got a passion for writing and still have some time left.) Here’s some data/input/thoughts on your piece.

    I cut and pasted your story below, then simplified where I could. Rather than listening to me yammer, why don’t you read the two and see if you can pick out what I did. Better for you and I, I’m thinking. (By the way, have you seen the movie, The Help?)

    The Maid

    She took shoes off her aching feet and began cooking dinner, aware that if she sat down to rest, even for a moment, she wouldn’t have the strength to rise and do what needed to be done.

    Her daughter, giggling and cooing, pulled on her skirt. If she picked her up, she wouldn’t be able to finish before sitting down. So she sang; she sang about her daughter, about cooking and how tired she was. Finally dinner was ready; there wasn’t much, but it was warm and was the best she could do. She put her child in the highchair and set the meal in front of her.

    Standing beside her daughter she placed her hand over her pocket and felt the outline of a ring she’d found under a chair on the deck outside of a guest’s room. It was gold and sparkled with diamonds. At the end of her shift her manager had called her in to his office to ask if she found any jewelry while cleaning that room.

    She lied.

    There’s still more that can be done, but the story is vour vision. I only wanted to give a few examples of how you could have reworded and reshaped things. Lots of the word ‘her’ and ‘dinner’ and some other bits of repetition in the original. Let me know what you think.

    Aloha,

    Doug

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