Flash Fiction (4) Finding Treasure

broken mushroom

(Prompt courtesy of Madison Woods.  If you’re interested go check out her story (which happens to amazing, inspirational, and less than one-hundred words!) and then read the comments to find more stories from this particular prompt.)

I couldn’t see his chest rise and fall but I imagined my breaths matching his.  I had waited for our reunion, dreamt of it, and prayed for it.  Anticipating his surprise, I quickly made my way to where he slept.

But I was the one surprised.  And I had been wrong.  My breath hadn’t matched his, nor would it.  I was alone as ever.  With him gone I didn’t even have the dream of somebody.  And with him gone all eyes would be on me.  I wouldn’t be able to outrun them for long.  Even though I knew it was hopeless, I wouldn’t live, I would fight to survive.

I gave myself a moment and a final kiss.  Then I fled the forest.

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31 thoughts on “Flash Fiction (4) Finding Treasure

  1. Hi: Forgive my denseness, but I re-read your piece several times and remain totally perplexed. Is this based on Madison’s Broken Shmoom (Mushroom)? No matter. It’s compelling and I see it as an intriguing first chapter of…something…a mystery? Who is she running from? Why is it hopeless… feeling she will not live? Yet, she will fight to survive. So many questions. I would like to read more. Also, thank you for posting your comment on my blog: triplemoonstar.blogspot.com

  2. I could see where the mushroom pic could have inspired that story. He could have died after eating it, if it were the deadly kind. But Lora’s right, it doesn’t matter anyway. It was a good story. And the prompts are meant to inspire, not dictate, so it may not resemble what anyone else sees… quite often mine are like that.

    Glad to see your foray into the Friday Fictioneers madness – it’s really hectic on Fridays, lol.

  3. I liked it. I read through it twice (but I don’t think that’s a bad thing), and upon the second reading, the story became much more clear. I really enjoyed it. The third paragraph struck me as a little choppy, but perhaps you intended for it to be to give it a sense of surprise and quick breaths. Great job with the prompt. I have no idea what I would do!

    Also, I’m so glad I found this, I’m going to join this photo prompt writing-activity thing too! 🙂

    • Hmm…I agree, I hadn’t consciously chosen it to be so choppy, but every edit left it choppier and choppier. I guess I need to become a little more aware of that.

      Also, I highly encourage you do this prompted writing gig. It’s very challenging and rewarding.

    • Thanks for saying that. I’m trying to do this flash fiction thing, but it’s really challenging for me. It’s great to hear nice feedback.

  4. An enjoyable story.
    I liked the fact that there were two threads running through – her heartache at finding him not there and the underlying threat of pursuit and danger.

  5. I know I haven’t been commenting much, but I have been reading each of these as you’ve posted them and this was my favourite by far. I’d be intrigued to see where it could go, I can easily see it being teased out into a short or a novel.

  6. There is something very intriguing about this story. My impression is that she had more to do with his demise than just “finding” him. This has a very “vampire-y” type feel to me, and I’m not sure if that is where you were going with it, or if my imagination is running with it.

    Either way, the good thing is that I *am* running with it. This is the sort of set up that I would want to read through to discover what exactly is going on (and I’m not the biggest fan of the fangy novels, so if that is what you were aiming for–excellent work!)

    -Quill

  7. This was very deep… Felt sad and helpless as I read it… and the fact that it stirred something like that means its a great write-up…
    But I hope it never happens to anyone!

    Great work!
    Parul

    • I’m glad you were able to see the scene. It’s so hard to do in 100 words (that’s why I cheated and took more words 🙂 ) Thanks for giving me some feedback.

  8. It was strange but I felt she (?) would survive even though she had little hope–I can’t pinpoint why she’s a survivor, but she is, perhaps because she only lingers for a kiss, Robin

    • I’m not sure if she’ll ultimately survive whatever is hunting her, but I think she puts up a good fight and has a long way yet to go 🙂

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