Prompt can be found at Madison Woods’ blog. Check it out to read her story and others.
Cold Night
It was their second date; he barbecued while she told jokes. She mentioned staying up until dawn and he agreed.
They sat, fingers entwined, her head resting on his shoulder, the conversation run dry. It had been such a romantic thought: stay up all night and watch the sunrise. But the reality of it was much colder than the idea.
And if she was going to be completely honest, he was much colder than he seemed.
I like how it starts warm (bbq and jokes) and then progress to cold. Nicely done.
Thanks, this was a tough piece for me. There are a few things I like about it and that transition from warm to cold is one of them. I’m glad you noticed.
Terrific! The run-down in the mood is just perfectly paced. Very well done – I enjoyed this.
Thank you so much!
For a guy who barbeques, he doesn’t seem too engaging. I, too, like the transition from day to night, warmth to cold, intimacy to brittleness. If you want an honest comment, however, I think I would like the piece better … that is, it might be stronger … if you didn’t repeat the word “colder”. I really like the image of reality being much colder than the idea, so I think that’s the one to keep. Not quite what word (or short phrase) to substitute in the last line, though.
Very enjoyable read. Well done.
My attempt: http://authorbrandonscott.wordpress.com/2012/04/06/gone/
Sometimes those ideas that seem romantic end up being kind of a let down – they work better in fantasy than in reality. I liked how you moved from something intimate to the more distant – and cold – end.
Well written. Though perhaps she should give the guy a chance. Much colder than he seemed on only a second date? ; )
Mine’s at http://the-drabbler.com/life-disturbed/
Yeah… that’s happened. Reality Bites… nicely told story, miq.
Very nice use of metaphors. Miq. I could feel the main character’s disappointment as a night filled with high hopes fizzles to reality. Ted is right — it bites. Good job!
You have a great straightforward way of writing. “he barbecued while she told jokes” say tons about these people. It’s the little honest things you capture that make this work so well. Nice writing.
Ouch! Sounded like we were heading somewhere sweet but guess it will be their last date.
Wow, enjoyable read. I was surprised by the twist but I like the parallel of the relationship and the events. Guess they didnt make it to morning. Nice job.
Here’s mine: http://ajaroffireflies.blogspot.com/2012/04/importance-of-manners.html
Enjoyed the read–a reality that repeats often, I think. Good to learn it so early in the relationship, though.
Mine: http://www.vlgregory-circa1800.vpweb.com/blog.html
Hmm…interesting read. I have a feeling she turned him off early by her dull, insipid jokes – (or perhaps risque jokes) . Bored, he realized she was not for him … hence the cold treatment. Nice work. Here’s mine:
http://www.triplemoonstar.blogspot.com
Dear Miq,
That was a great story. The transitions were perfect as is our dismay near the end as we contemplate the snails pace of the coming dawn.
Welcome back.
Aloha,
Doug
Brilliant! I love how the story moves from hot to cold as the night does. And yes, this happens on many a second date.
So very well executed.
https://www.facebook.com/darkknightrises2012movie
Delightful! i enjoy your take on this…
https://seewilliams.wordpress.com/2012/04/06/f-is-for-flash-fiction/
I read this as his body was physically turning cold…like he was turning into a zombie. Then I realized that was silly because zombies don’t barbecue.
I guess he is not “the one.” Ah well..and it had seemed all too perfect to start. Hopes dashed…
PS – When my husband and I were dating we tried to stay up all night to talk, but both conceded defeat at 4am and crashed.
~Susan
I am watching Van Helsing which is so appropriate to your post! None of those monsters have hearts and are very cold too!
Loved the eeriness of this!
I thought this was really cool. I was lulled into complacency by the gentle start of the story, and then everything unravels at the end. I feel like this story is very tight, and every single word matters.
I do thoroughly enjoy how you often end these flash fics, Well done!
The way you told your story even sounds like the progression of how things really are as time winds down late in the evening and early morning hours. There’s that grinding to a halt – which is how it sounds this relationship went once the fuel burned down.